Less Control, More Surrender

I really didn't feel much like attending Mass on the holy day of obligation for the Maternity of Mary, Mother of God. I love our Blessed Mother dearly, but after New Year's Eve festivities getting up to attend church in the morning with a headache and part of a hangover doesn't seem very appealing. The temptation definitely is there to stay in bed with the shades drawn, roll over and go back to sleep.

During Mass, however, we were blessed to have a visiting priest. Amazingly he was still in a wheelchair from surgery and yet he still gave the homily and was able to celebrate Mass while on an elevated chair. I found this very courageous and heartening and his homily was very poignant to me.

I still was suffering a great deal from falling into sin, the same sin that I always seem to be fighting a losing battle with, and the priest's homily was on less control and more surrender to God. How many times have I felt I had to be "strong" and fight my battles on my own? I try to be "perfect" for God and yet exclude Him when I need Him most because of my pride. Surrender is difficult though, so difficult for me who likes to control everything and hold the steering wheel of life in my hands rather than relinquishing control to God. And yet how much better off would we all be surrendering that control into God's hands instead batting His help away with the premise of doing it all on our own.

When the priest gave a final blessing that we one day may be counted among God's saints it was difficult to fight back the tears. How much I desire this and yet so often feel I don't deserve this. How often do I fall into the error of believing I have to merit salvation instead of realizing this already was won through Christ's love for me?

Salvation for the "Perfect"

I normally don't like to think of myself as a sinner. I don't think anyone does. We know that Jesus came and died on a cross to redeem sinners (ie everyone) but we still don't like to think that necessarily applied to us, at least not on a personal level. Every day in my prayers I pray for sinners but I always think of sinners with a capital S - the rapist, murderers, thieves etc. But truth be told even the sins with the small S causes damage, damage to ourselves to others around us.

Today I was questioning why Jesus would allow certain temptations to come across my path, temptations I find hard to resist. They're often the same sin, maybe in different forms and circumstances but still, even 10 years after converting, they snarl my legs and trip me us in my faith journey repeatedly to the point I'm laying face down in the dirt instead of making much spiritual headway. But then I realized I had been missing an important point. I am not perfect - as much as I wish I was. If I was perfect I would have no need for salvation and no need for Jesus. But I am not perfect. I never will be perfect, but it's the perseverance, the acknowledgment I am a sinner that is one of the steps I need to grow.

When I first converted I thought I'd "magically" become perfect and virtuous, a instant-born saint after the Easter Vigil. Nearly 10 years later Jesus is still trying to teach me that even the saints were not perfect sinless human beings. They were sinners and needed the grace and salvation of Jesus. Surely if the saints need this I need Him even more.

Christmas Eve service

I always forget what a beautiful service Christmas Eve midnight Mass service is. I've been to several in the past by Holy Trinity Church, which I've been attending the last few months. Holy Trinity is more traditional and they went all out with the incense, the candles, the processions. It was so lovely. They dimmed the church before the service started and turned the lights up to signal the birth of Jesus and the return of Light into the world.

I felt such a strong presence of God at that service, a powerful flow of peace and love. It was as if God's grace flooded the world in that instant.

My mother came with me to keep me company and I often wondered during the service how odd all this must be for her, who is a Presbyterian. The incense, the chanting, the carrying of the infant Jesus statue. I often wondered what she was thinking and if it was all too strange for her. I know before I converted I felt as though I was in unknown territory myself whenever I entered a Catholic church. I hope she enjoyed it and felt some of the wonderful grace I felt in that moment.

On another note, I loved and found so touching the custom of after Christmas Eve Mass rocking the cradle with the infant Jesus in it. How sweet to imagine rocking the baby Jesus to sleep! I'm always so amazed and humbled still that at the time of His birth when we should be bringing Him gifts, He always gives us so many gifts of grace and love. Indeed what gift can we give worthy of Him but our heart?